Tag Archives: Attitude

Another dawn, another day

A story that bears repeating. Pun intended 🙂

I found this greeting card yesterday at the local Market Basket. It was meant as a birthday card (who knows why) but I shall co-opt it to my own purposes.

This is not the downedest I’ve been (made up word intentional as well). Nope. Almost seven years ago, post progression on my second ALK inhibitor, I was getting chemo yet again. And although I was married at that time, I truly felt alone. 

However, I’m pretty adept at turning inward for the things I need. And what I needed more than anything else was for someone to have my back. Literally and figuratively, as I desperately wanted to be held.

And so I turned to my imagination. Tried out some animals in my head (yeah, I’m a weirdo, I know). A wolf, a lion, and then a bear. Bear seemed just right. Kinda cute and cuddly looking but also potentially lethal. Just what I was looking for in a pal.

In my mind, bear was holding me. Big spoon, to be more explicit, those sharp claws resting gently on my forearm. ‘Bear,’ I said. ‘If you will just stay beside me while I’m going through this shit, I’ll make a deal with you. If I die, you can eat me. But if I don’t, you can’t.’ I could feel the bear’s breath on the back of my head. Bear didn’t budge.

Right there and then I decided bear would be my spirit animal. 

Now and again, I call bear back. Although as time has gone on, I’ve needed him/her less and less. When I’m feeling strong, it’s a lion I imagine. 

Having bear show up yesterday was a reminder that I’m not alone. Now there’s a chance that bear is hungry. But a deal is a deal and I’m not planning on being dinner.

C’est moi

Freethinker: a person who thinks freely or independently : one who forms opinions on the basis of reason independently of authority especially.

I view the world from two distinct lens. Natural law (an observable law relating to natural phenomena) versus human constructs. And I really, truly only respect the former.

Although I would argue this is a sensible approach to life, I often run afoul of those entities which either hew to or consider themselves The Authority. Undoubtedly this viewpoint started early in my life, when so-called rules got in the way of whatever activity I had planned. My response to being admonished by my parents and or teachers– ‘You are not the boss of me’ was certainly uttered only under my tongue after the first few retorts resulted in a spirited spanking.

Tall, tom-boyed, gap toothed, left-handed, atheist. Non-normative comes naturally to me. Which is not to imply that I am always well received.

What is a breath of fresh air to some is a pain in the ass to others. Just ask my soon to not be landlord.

Or the pharmacist who would not refill my prescription (for a drug I have taken for fourteen years) simply because there was an error in the way it had been transcribed, with it reading both every seven hours and twice a day.

One week later I finally said to him, ‘You know, it doesn’t matter what it says on the bottle, I will take those pills as often as I want to anyway.’ Note added to chart, I would imagine.

Fortunately my oncologist is on board with logic and is a goddess of empathy. As the scrip was for ativan and I was coming off of two sleepless nights per restarting lorlatinib, I was feeling a little desperate. Saturday night I messaged her. She was out (on a date with her husband, I hope) and yet stopped what she was doing to call the pharmacy on my behalf.

That night I slept like a baby. Dreaming dreams unschooled and unkempt. Authority free.