Something extraordinary is going on.
I am, almost sixteen years into this shit, happier than I have ever been.
I love my dog, my kids, my friends, my home. My life, though still full of uncertainty and challenge, feels incredibly rich. I am making art, writing, working (part time consulting), back in the habit of reading–starting with Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein and now Moby Dick. I curtailed a bad habit I’d fallen into–drinking too much–a side effect of the pandemic and, well, despair. Thanks to some patrons? donors? dear friends? I am enjoying a subscription to Hello Fresh and am cooking really tasty meals. I am growing hair, toenails, eyebrows and eyelashes. My skin–initially a mess secondary to binimetinib, is under control with the help of antibiotics, clindamycin and Retin A. Just another adolescence.
The two environments I have been primarily limited to over the past year–studio and apartment–are both spaces that feel safe, comforting and inviting. This is due in no small part to the many friends who have feathered my nest in a variety of ways. Practical things, like a pair of air purifiers. A weighted blanket, that has provided so much comfort. Hats, chocolate, books, flowers, wine, music. Things that smell good. Lotions, creams, oils. These gifts have all added beauty and grace to what was an incredibly difficult year.
My exercise bike is finally getting used. I’m trying to teach Kumo English and in return I am attempting to learn dog. Too long a luddite, I am committing myself to greater computer literacy and a good friend has signed on as tech support. And hygiene. Not personal, again computer. I need to clean up my desktop. And my emails.
Because I am on a combination therapy, the side effect profile has been complex. Historically I have been shamefully noncompliant when it came to filling out my drug diary. I am amending my ways as I feel any information I can provide per the relationship between dosing and side effects is now critical.
I am starting to go through my closet. I need to lose a little more weight before I start trying things on again, but I am looking forward to that time when there is a reason to dress up again. After years of thrift shopping/hunting for vintage clothing, my wardrobe looks a bit like a costume department. I can’t wait to banish my sweatpants to workouts.
Dinner with friends. Movies. Dates. These are all in the future tense but I am beginning to feel a sweet anticipation.
Regular life. What a beautiful thing.
life and breath: outliving lung cancer 