Tag Archives: living while dying

If

When I was a wee child I would recite a prayer before bed each night:

Now I lay me down to sleep and I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

And then my parents would turn off the light and shut the door to my bedroom, leaving me alone with that happy thought. A stupid little prayer that scared the shit out of me and was undoubtedly at least partially at the root of a life long case of acute anxiety. I mean, WTF? No wonder I suffered from nightmares.

I thought of this prayer today as I have begun to preface so very many of my thoughts with ‘and if I live.’ Irony free.

Only someone who has been in my position where death is not just a possibility but rather a probability can understand.

It is rather like being in an out of control vehicle, hurtling headlong to a bluff overlooking the ocean. There is a remote chance that you will be able to steer the car to safety at the last moment. However, as you don’t want to waste a moment of what might be your last time on earth, you are also doing your utmost to enjoy the scenery.

It is that flipping surreal.

I have a CT scan on Tuesday which will give a clinical assessment of where we are at. From the objective of the person who is in this body, I can only tell you that it’s getting harder and harder to breathe in here. Hardly encouraging.

And yet the view out the window? Still extraordinary.

xo

TEDX Beacon Street 2019

Alright y’all. November 23rd. WGBH studios. I am in the education block–morning session. Tickets are on sale here now. Be *there or be square. And if you can’t come, help us make it go viral later.

*no heckling 😉

xo

Rise and shine

Because what else would you do.

This, my friends, is necessity/habit/resolve at its leanest.

As long as I have the opportunity to do so, I intend to make the very best of each and every day. Right now that means prepping for one particular outcome (getting my affairs in order) while staying open to the possibility that those efforts are in fact premature.

It’s a delicate balance, this living while dying shit. A bit of a challenge, if you will. But–strangely–one I am embracing. It doesn’t get more clear headed than this. I am rapt with attention. As honest with myself as I have ever been. Taking it all in while wrapping it all up.

Acknowledging my inevitable destination (if not now, later) while savoring every moment. Truly present. Unafraid. Aware.