I am at a tough place. Physically, financially, emotionally.
Moving again combined with chemotherapy plus lorlatinib has been more difficult than I imagined. I am exhausted and raw–figuratively and literally.
In December my five years of alimony came to an end. The previously draconian divorce laws in NH have been revised, and were I to be divorced now, I would have received alimony for up to one half the length of my marriage. I asked for an extension which was summarily denied (no surprise). I don’t qualify for disability (not enough work credits–being a stay at home mom bit me in the ass–hard) so I am going to have to have to rely on my retirement fund. It is all very stressful and yet small potatoes compared to my health issues.
Breathing. So simple and yet not. Thus far no indication that chemotherapy is making a positive difference. Which of course makes the abundant side effects less tolerable as well. And then there is the mind fuck of pushing ahead with the belief that this is all for a reason while also understanding that in fact I may just be making myself sicker with no resultant benefit.
On Monday I was given the option of forgoing chemo. My response was ‘hit me.’ I need to believe that I am accomplishing something.
There is also the reality that I am essentially going this alone. That the dog still needs to be walked and I need to eat, neither of which is going to happen magically.
I have no doubt I shall get through this. It is what I do. But it also occurred to me (again) today that perhaps the worst part of being alone is having no one at my side. That human touch and warmth would do far more toward making me feel whole than a meal or a walk for my dog (things I can do myself).
Well. I am not one to let conventionality stand in the way. If you’re a close friend of mine and within driving distance, don’t be surprised if I hit you up for a sleepover. Nothing fancy. Not sexual.
Just hold me.
xo
life and breath: outliving lung cancer 