Tag Archives: chemo brain

When you can’t remember shit

L1110016

Perhaps the best greeting card ever.

First, a blanket apology to anyone whose birthday I have forgotten this year. Same goes for all those unanswered emails, texts, phone calls, missed appointments and other no-shows.

Once upon a time I and my ability to recollect were reliable. As a child, I possessed an eidetic memory and when I wished to retrieve an event it was almost as if I were watching a movie of the past in my brain. According to literature the ability to remember things in an almost photographic sense disappears in adulthood, but I am a highly visual person and always utilized a sort of Hansel and Gretel bread crumb approach; when trying to remember something I would visually retrace footsteps in my mind until I came back to the thing I was searching for.

That is, until I started my current therapy, lorlatinib. A small molecule designed specifically to cross the blood brain barrier, lorlatinib is able to deliver drug to tumors within the central nervous system. This is great news for individuals with brain mets but it also means that there may be accordant cognitive side effects. I started early in the trial during dose escalation and at a previously higher dose than I am now taking, and those cognitive side effects were so pronounced that a few weeks into the trial I felt as if I could no longer process or reason. Fortunately lowering my dose improved that scenario but I still felt as if my memory had been completely wiped and that I had suffered something akin to a brain injury.

Because I was also in the midst of a nasty divorce it was hard to parse the stress from the effects of therapy, but suffice it to say that life was challenging.

Two years out I am not only still alive, I feel almost as smart as I used to be. However, my memory is still completely shot. Add advancing age into the mix, and I think it’s fair to assume that I will continue to do things like purchase airline tickets to the wrong city (last summer) or for the wrong day (upcoming trip). It’s a little unnerving and yet you know I like to look on the bright side (cue Life of Brian). Historically I was a mental ruminator, and often made myself miserable by reviewing unpleasant situations over and over. Well guess what! Not being able to remember shit sometimes comes in handy, and I no longer dwell on much of anything.

Although my memory challenges make life less predictable, I am learning a lot about flexibility, personal forgiveness, and a whole lot of scrappy. In the case of the flight to the wrong city, I rented a car (first time ever, alone) and drove the additional 400 miles to my intended destination.

So even if I miss the boat entirely (wink wink–see above), I know I’ll still get there. I just might not remember how.

Moving slowly and possibly requiring assistance

Minder
A minder is a person assigned to guide or escort a visitor, or to provide protection to somebody, or to otherwise assist or take care of something, i.e. a person who “minds”. Wikipedia

I am no longer the perpetual motion machine of yore; my fourth and final round of carboplatin and alimta left me fatigued and with a profound lack of energy that I just can’t seem to shake. In two days I undergo maintenance infusion of alimta, and the hope is that it will be significantly easier minus the platinum.

The virus I have been fighting is beginning to take leave, but slowly; it is clearly one persistent bug. And, although I was pleased when I started chemotherapy that I did not immediately descend into a fog of confusion (as I had with cisplatin and taxotere) I can no longer deny that there has been a cognitive hit as well. I was once a bit sharper. To wit, today I put the kettle on to boil some water for tea, and then lay down for a nap. Fortunately David came downstairs in the nick of time, but I’m becoming somewhat of a menace.

So please, if you have emailed, written or called and I have not responded, understand that I may have simply forgotten. Yesterday Peter was streaming some music and I asked him for the name of the group. After he shared with me both song and artist I said “Got it” to which he responded (without a moment’s hesitation) “Yeah, right.” And he was—I retained neither.