Daily Archives: December 2, 2020

Fortunately not all days end the way they began.

I had to get labs drawn this morning–in order to ascertain whether or not my CPK (creatine kinase) was back in standard range. Evidently it is still elevated, but closer to normal (current value: 260). I will find out tomorrow whether or not I shall be permitted to go back on trial–at a lower dose of binimetinib.

So, wait and see. However, in the meantime I have something entirely positive to announce.

As I was driving to the lab, I realized I felt different; sort of as if the sun was shining in my head. I recognized this feeling as a state of mind also known as happiness.

It has now been a month since I had my last infusion of the previous trial drug. Although washout is technically a much shorter period of time, the impact DS-1062a had on my body and, more specifically, my brain chemistry, has now come to an end.

You won’t find depression listed as a side effect but DS-1062a had a profoundly negative effect on my mood. I mean, yes, I have terminal cancer and yes, we have all been dealing with the worry and isolation secondary to a pandemic, but never in my life have I felt as sad as I did earlier this year. Initially we doubled up on my dose of prozac but when that didn’t help, mirtazapine was added. This got me through (I had been experiencing suicidal ideation) but my mood essentially stayed flat.

What I experienced this morning was joy. My natural default.

Welcome back sunshine. You were surely missed.

xo

I studied french language. I even ‘took’ a semester abroad, in Southern France. At the ripe old age of nineteen. Now that is a story. For another day. Better yet, a chapter in my book.

Sadly I am far from fluent. Although, when I spent a week in Montreal several summers ago, I realized that given complete immersion, it could come back.

That said, I never did get the gendered aspect straight. Which is my why of saying that it might be la and not le in my title.

I digress.

So generally when I think of myself as miserable it is of an existential variety. Yesterday was the real deal.

The tips of my fingers are splitting, a side effect of the new medication. Currently I have eight open cuts. They hurt like the devil and of course are situated such that doing anything that requires digits is difficult.

I also had that crown replaced yesterday and….mucositis would appear to be a side effect of my current therapy as well.

You know how tongues are. They can never mind their own business. Mine just kept poking around yesterday’s doings in my mouth and I came away with sores all over the front of my tongue.

When I got home from the dentist (an hour and a half drive each way–I refuse to switch dentists even though I no longer live in NH) I took a three hour nap. Was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I got up long enough to eat some crackers, drink a glass of water and a few sips of red wine and then I just said fuck it and went back to bed. That miserable.

Fortunately I slept and slept well. My emollient slathered fingertips are somewhat better. The tongue, yet a bitch.

It bites, y’all (that was my tongue, making a joke). Just wish there was a way to cure cancer that didn’t come with so many flipping side effects.