I was exhausted last night, despite the fact that I had spent the last several days primarily lying around. Sound asleep by 9 pm, I did not awaken until 11 am this morning. Fourteen hours straight. I am going to consider it a reboot.
Today I’m tidying up and looking forward to last night’s leftovers. My friend Martha brought me an actual feast. An entire pot roast, cheesy mashed potatoes, caesar salad, baguette, bottle of red wine, box of chocolates and some dried apricots. Oh–and some magical, melt in your mouth pastries called Kouign Amann from a shop named Annarosas. One for breakfast today, the second for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m also planning the week ahead, starting with several days in the studio. It is important to stay on track with a practice such as painting.
The rest of the week is one big question mark. My son Peter and I had planned to spend Thanksgiving together but that is in doubt because of COVID. It also happens to be my birthday–I shall be turning sixty one. It will be odd to be closer to age seventy than to fifty.
I think I am regarding the New Year with greater anticipation. It shall be a relief to consign 2020 to the past. I am already focusing on goals/resolutions. Making comfort more of a priority. Asking for assistance when needed.
Per that second resolution there is something I wish to clarify. I have not tried to cultivate the notion that I am tough and I can say with all honesty, it has never been my goal. The last time I saw my father Ollie (he died on Thanksgiving Day in 2005), he referred to me as his gentle child. I do believe I was born gentle. And also tender. Maybe a little too tender.
But in addition I am, through and through, scrappy and a survivor. Life has had its way with me. I have become as independent as I am now out of necessity. And that is not a bad thing. However, those who care have made it clear that when they help me out, it brings them joy. And of course, it brings me joy as well.
Therefore, 2021 is going to be the year of the ask. It’s not going to be easy and I may need some occasional prodding but I am open to personal growth. And, potentially, a little help from my friends.
xo
life and breath: outliving lung cancer 