The anxiety

It’s Tuesday. Although my mucositis is much improved I still have sores in my mouth and esophagus–almost five weeks after my last infusion.

I am scheduled for my fifth infusion on Thursday. However Dr. Lin called me this morning and it pushing it back another week–fortunately the trial allows for up to a four week delay.

Do I go for one more? Maybe even two? Wait until my next scan to decide?

Damn this is difficult.

My mood is so very improved and I suspect there is a direct relationship between positivity/motivation and feeling better. I am decidedly anxious that if I get another infusion, it will not only be my mouth that starts hurting again.

So I don’t know. My higher morale has also been correlative with a greater desire to survive. And the difficulty with clinical trials as they currently exist is that as a participant I am given very little latitude. Should I drop out there is no returning.

Chances are I’m going with infusion, simply because it places me in a position of greater options. But psychologically, this is a tough one.

I’m so very relieved that I have another week to think and hopefully heal.

2 responses to “The anxiety

  1. Deborah DeBarr

    I would think that is a tough decision. Quality of life verses quantity. I haven’t been there yet and hopefully I have a long time before that comes. I read your blog whenever you post and recognize after all this time that your mood dictates your thought process but in the end you always go with the treatment and end up buying a lot more time. Sometimes to the point you are almost in remission. So I hope when you get down you will remember this and instead of going back and forth just go forward without the agony of indecision. Remember what you always end up doing….;)) you live!

  2. I agree Linnea, the extra week is what you need. Keep making art 👈🏼❤️✊🏼

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