I am grateful that I have a home.

And not one but two oncologists who care about me (Dr. Lin and–always–Dr. Shaw).

Kumo is a comfort if sometimes an unwelcome responsibility–thank goodness for Susan who spells me when I am getting treatment.

My family and friends have been fabulous–both those who are close and those who are far and some whom I have yet to have the pleasure to meet. Thanks for checking in and for taking care of me in so many ways.

Jemesii, August and Peter, you’ve done a fabulous job of doubling down on staying in touch. Now, more than ever, you are my raison d’être. I love you.

Netflix, alcohol, weed and sleep–you’ve all played a solid role in keeping me this side of sane as well.

What would I change? Well, first there would be no bloody pandemic. Yup. Could have lived a lifetime without this tragedy on a world scale.

Secondly, I would not be alone. Social isolation is proving to be one of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. Too much me time and this girl has the potential to get weird. And under extraordinary circumstances? Well.

I’d also love to have a garden and a little yard. Perhaps a secret path to an isolated beach. Someone to hold me at night.

And hey–wouldn’t it be great to be healthy as a baseline. Not in treatment. Hale and hearty. Head full of hair.

There’s no winding back on this reality though. I understand how fortunate I am compared to many. And the little bit of kick ass that I still possess keeps reminding me that there is the potential for personal growth here. And that I am in fact in need of some tweaking (I keep having dreams about closets that I thought were empty only to discover that they are in fact packed with shit that needs to be gone through).

I’ve always been a good pep talker and these days, I am my primary audience.

To that end: ass off the couch. It’s not yet cocktail hour 😉

8 responses to “So….

  1. Cheers to Netflix, alcohol, weed and sleep! And may the closets be full of wonderful, fun and curious treasures❤️🎉

  2. Netflix, alcohol, weed and sleep–you’ve all played a solid role in keeping me this side of sane as well. So get that!!

    Have a garden – Big comfort –

    Not on any treatment but upcoming scan ………..

    Can hold you (virtually is best I can do …. )

    You’re doing good Linnea – xxx

  3. It’s not cocktail hour yet, even on Sunday? Your drive and resolve always inspires me Linnea. I realize it’s not out “your” door, but if this absurdity ends sometime this growing season you can have a dedicated “Plot” on my “Land” to grow what you like! Or next year if needed…👈🏼✊🏼❤️

  4. I am trying to give myself a pep talk to get up and “dejunk” my house! It’s not working well. But as I (and my children) say, take one small area at a time. Yes, but I’d rather read, watch TV, be on the computer, etc. But today I’m going to try to clean off my kitchen table – and I’ll probably find a bill that escaped me, several magazines that I really want to read, etc. Living alone is a challenge made more so by not being able to get together with people in any way. But then, I don’t really have to “dejunk” my house, do I? Well, yes! So as you say, I need to get off the couch, even if it’s only for a short time!
    Stay safe and well!

  5. Hi Linnea. I wish I could share my garden. In this time of isolation and working from home, it has never looked so good. My best friend Dave is probably more responsible for that, than I. But he’s 20 plus years younger than I, and can’t sit still. This morning I was alone, gardening in the rain for 2 hours and I felt so grateful to have this little sanctuary that feeds me so much. Peter and I renovated the house and created the gardens over a period of 18 years, and there is no place that I feel closer to him. So I hope that as the days get warmer, you can find some place where you can sit safely in the sun, smell the earth, and let Kumo run a bit.
    I thought of one more thing that you may be grateful for; your blog. I know I am truly grateful for your blog. It sometimes makes me cry, and sometimes makes me smile, or snicker, but it always makes me grateful that you are still writing, still have a kick ass attitude, and still sharing your battle weary optimism, raising awareness, and advocating for trial participants to be honored and treated with the respect you all deserve.

  6. You are such and inspiration. Your ability to put words to feelings fills me with admiration. I wish you had a garden-they are such meditative places. Have you ever been in a Japanese garden where there is a dry river bed? You can make the wind and change the waves. I will share one with you. In the meantime, can you draw yourself a garden? Hoping to see you in August!
    xoxo Patti

  7. Sounding more resilient…that’s our girl! Just keep on truck in’. This too shall pass.

  8. I’m with you: thinking those closets were empty, only to find them stuffed full of stuff that needs tending to. I am trying to use this time to do some of that inner work. It’s dirty and mucky and dusty… but I can only walk my (geriatric) dogs so far! Thanks for sharing, as always!

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