Daily Archives: January 22, 2019

The utter awesomeness of unremarkable

Quick report here starting with a simple turn of phrase. In the topsy turvy world of cancer, where progression is unwelcome, the word unremarkable is a guest of honor. Dull, uninteresting, common, ordinary.

In describing my latest scan, Alice used that parlance—the tumor abutting my heart is unremarkable. More than likely it is the schmutz in the bottom of my lung that is responsible for both cough and shortness of breath. However, most reassuringly, that area of cancer has not changed in the two months since my biopsy. Hopefully this is indicative of a less aggressive spread.

Per the biopsy itself, results are pending. Thus far we have one tiny nugget of information; my cancer shows no MET amplification. By the end of the week, we should know more.

In the meantime, I think I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Not let the bedbugs (they will be spraying a third time) get me down. Drag my ass back to the gym. Start painting again. Maybe go on some more dates.

Cut back on the gloom and start feeding my mojo instead.

Suggestions welcome 🙂

A-void

Before my last scan–the one that showed progression–I was anxious. But that was because I knew something was up.

In the four plus years prior, I had let go of scanxiety. However, that was possible because of a sustained period of stability. Stability was the closest thing I’ve had to feeling truly safe in the last fourteen years and it was freaking glorious.

Now that I’m back on that active cancer rollercoaster, scans are once again something to be dreaded. However, there is a difference in how I feel this time around. It is not anxiety. Hell, I know what’s coming; it’s more like I just don’t want to know. It’s as if there’s a big fat court summons lying in a sealed envelope on my kitchen table and as long as I don’t open it I can keep pretending that it’s just not there.

Scanvoidance. That’s my new terminology. The goddamn it why-do-I-have to-live-these-month-to-month blues.

Gets old, it does. But then again, so have I. Older. And that’s something to embrace.

I’ll keep you posted.