I was off drug for seven days–a subsequent post will detail why. On day seven my brother John called and at the end of our long conversation he said ‘your voice is back to normal–you’re talking fast again’. So I was. One prominent side effect of PF-06463922 for me is that I speak more slowly. It’s as if I just can’t quite drag the words out and for some reason (maybe all that effort) my voice comes out louder too. In addition, I often sound a bit incredulous, as sentences sort of trail up at the end. It’s something that not everyone notices–my neighbors in the lofts have only known the slow speaking version of Linnea. However it is quite obvious to me, my old friends and family.
That was really sort of fun, talking fast. Better still, that evening I realized that I felt different as well. Kind of like the old me–sharper, calmer, more organized in my thinking. Clearly the drug had washed out of my system.
The next morning I started dosing again. Within forty eight hours my speech slowed and that sense of internal calm evaporated (emotional lability is a potential side effect of this drug, and was a big problem for me when I was on the higher dose).
Yesterday was one of those days that just keeps poking you with a sharp stick. This whole college application thing has been incredibly complicated and Peter let me know that some forms I was supposed to submit for his financial aid package were missing. This ramped up my anxiety as I am no longer able to retrace my steps, if that makes sense. I feel sort of like someone crossing a canyon on one of those suspended foot bridges, and as I run, the bridge falls away behind me. In other words, no easy way to go back.
My daughter Jemesii was having a bad day too, as a psych eval that she had waited a month for (and gotten up very early to go to before work) was cancelled upon arrival because the doctor had called in sick. She would have to wait yet another month for a new appointment. Insult to injury, the receptionist was rude and insensitive–someone who should not be working with a vulnerable population. This stressed me out some more.
I had an appointment at noon for a new general practitioner–someone who works specifically with oncology patients. I was super excited but didn’t know how to get to MGH West and just assumed Siri (on my iPhone) could help me find the way. Well, she couldn’t parse the difference between 40 2nd Ave. and 42 Ave, which apparently doesn’t exist. And Waltham just didn’t compute for her. I turned my car on to warm it up and noticed three lights were flashing but I decided to get on the road anyway. As I pulled out I placed a call to the doctor’s office for directions but the switchboard ended up putting me through to billing where I was on hold for almost ten minutes. That individual wasn’t able to help me but said they would connect me to someone who could–but all I got was ‘We are unable to answer the phone but you can leave a message at the tone’. Damn. I tried Siri one more time, with a little less specificity. This time she understood, I got my exit, and was almost on time.
After the appointment I looked through my vehicle’s manual to see what those flashing lights meant—next to the icon that looked like an engine it said ‘take to Toyota dealer immediately’. Well fuck.
So this morning I drop my car off at the mechanic. I had scans in Chelsea so the plan was to take the train to Boston, walk to MGH and catch a shuttle to Chelsea. As I walked the half mile to the train station in Lowell our property manager called and told me that I had mistakenly sent my alimony and child support checks rather than those for rent. Oh boy. After I boarded the train I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there.
Sometimes a girl just has to say uncle.
So home I went. Made myself a cup of coffee to calm down/warm up again. Called Chelsea to cancel my scans and sent my scheduler an email. This is one of those moments where my own challenges feel, well, just a little too challenging. That’s code for ‘and then I feel sorry for myself’. However, it never takes me long to gain perspective. Life is hard for most, and almost impossibly difficult for some. This drug that muddles my brain is also keeping me alive. And I can’t argue with that.