This is a tough, tough time. Not just for me of course, but for David and for anyone who is close to either one of us. It is also a particularly confusing time, and our children and some of my own siblings are struggling too.
I am the one who initiated this separation and I think that might make me immediately less sympathetic. However, I can only say (without going the whole dirty laundry route, which I have no intention of doing) that it is complicated. If I felt I could stay in this marriage, I would. But I can’t.
Oddly, (or maybe not) my cancer has played quite a role here. Were I healthy, I believe we might have separated some time ago. I am grateful to David for his persistence and patience. However, as risky as it may be to jump out of this leaky boat, I’m tired of bailing and would rather swim for a spell.
So, I’ve been busily packing and planning and looking for an acceptable place to live. Fingers crossed that maybe I have found one. The night before I went to check it out, I dreamt about Martha Stewart (I’d been invited to her home for appetizers but asked to leave before dinner–she’s always rude to me in my dreams). Anyway, while touring this complex, I came up the stairs to see Martha’s beaming face. Say what you will, but I think it’s a sign.
Of course I have my moments of chest constricting panic. I mean, this wouldn’t be an easy thing to undertake under any circumstances and mine are hardly ideal. However, there’s only one way to go now and that is forward.
Last night I had a dream that struck me as particularly poignant. I was swimming through the aisles of what appeared to be a submerged store. I attempted to come up for air, only to discover that the surface of the water was sealed over with a sort of plastic. I recognized I was in a bit of a tight spot but thought to myself, ‘I can do this’. Continuing to hold my breath, I swam to the end of an adjacent aisle where I was able to gasp for air through a gap in the plastic. There was nothing frightening about the dream; it just felt strong and somehow apropos.
Another yes from the universe: yesterday I felt a little like I was listening to the soundtrack of my life; thought I’d share two. The first selection is one of my favorite songs ever, sung by Mama Cass. The second one is a little out of character (mine), but damned if Will.i.am didn’t steal my line (and his pal the Bieb even repeats it three times!). Enjoy, and don’t forget to click out of those annoying advertisements (I know, we wouldn’t be here on the internet without them. Sigh.).