This is a tough, tough time. Not just for me of course, but for David and for anyone who is close to either one of us. It is also a particularly confusing time, and our children and some of my own siblings are struggling too.
I am the one who initiated this separation and I think that might make me immediately less sympathetic. However, I can only say (without going the whole dirty laundry route, which I have no intention of doing) that it is complicated. If I felt I could stay in this marriage, I would. But I can’t.
Oddly, (or maybe not) my cancer has played quite a role here. Were I healthy, I believe we might have separated some time ago. I am grateful to David for his persistence and patience. However, as risky as it may be to jump out of this leaky boat, I’m tired of bailing and would rather swim for a spell.
So, I’ve been busily packing and planning and looking for an acceptable place to live. Fingers crossed that maybe I have found one. The night before I went to check it out, I dreamt about Martha Stewart (I’d been invited to her home for appetizers but asked to leave before dinner–she’s always rude to me in my dreams). Anyway, while touring this complex, I came up the stairs to see Martha’s beaming face. Say what you will, but I think it’s a sign.
Of course I have my moments of chest constricting panic. I mean, this wouldn’t be an easy thing to undertake under any circumstances and mine are hardly ideal. However, there’s only one way to go now and that is forward.
Last night I had a dream that struck me as particularly poignant. I was swimming through the aisles of what appeared to be a submerged store. I attempted to come up for air, only to discover that the surface of the water was sealed over with a sort of plastic. I recognized I was in a bit of a tight spot but thought to myself, ‘I can do this’. Continuing to hold my breath, I swam to the end of an adjacent aisle where I was able to gasp for air through a gap in the plastic. There was nothing frightening about the dream; it just felt strong and somehow apropos.
Another yes from the universe: yesterday I felt a little like I was listening to the soundtrack of my life; thought I’d share two. The first selection is one of my favorite songs ever, sung by Mama Cass. The second one is a little out of character (mine), but damned if Will.i.am didn’t steal my line (and his pal the Bieb even repeats it three times!). Enjoy, and don’t forget to click out of those annoying advertisements (I know, we wouldn’t be here on the internet without them. Sigh.).
Whoa (Keanu Reeves style), we both got music on the mind!
Take extra care of yourself right now. Hugs!
Kimmy, (he’s got his detractors but I’m a big Keanu fan)—I love that you will be submitting a playlist—-wonderful!!!) Hugs to you too….
First I would like to say that I read your About Page and strangely I had just wrote a new article to post on my Blog soon titled “Letting Go” and inside I used the analogy of a man who smoked from the age of a teenager and was diagnosed with lung cancer by the age of 45!
I could not possibly know and understand everything that has transpired in your life and marriage, but this one thing I do know and can say: Having God makes all the difference in the world, and that which is to come!
Currently, I am home taking care of a relative who did smoke and is now living with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (C.O.P.D.) of the lungs. What I have learned, whether you are the caregiver, the ailing person, family members, or even God; there is a time of “Letting Go”.
Each person is the one who determines what this phrase means to them, because it can be different for each one. My hope for you would be that you take Jesus with you!
In the Grace of God
Ms. Šahíyena, thank you for your comments and kind wishes.
You are so welcome…wishing you a beautiful life!
Hi Linnea…just checking in with you to see how your week is going so far? Praying that you are finding greater strength day by day!
Here is a link to the Post I mentioned earlier if you would like to read it “Letting Go” I hope there are some inspiring words somewhere in there for you.
If not, here is one…You have God’s permission to breathe and live in perfect health!
Just thinking of you 🙂
Sending good mojo and love your way.
Karen, I could use both—thank you.
You are an amazing woman. So much strength and determination. Keep forging ahead as I’ve got a feeling there are great things ahead for you.
Thats what keeps me going (whatever the future my hold and of course (ALWAYS) my kids!).
I see a subtle message in the “Martha” photo..I first thought the little book in the upper left said “leave it” instead of “weave it”! Your courage and strength never cease to amaze me. With much love to you….Cathe
Well Cathe, there is an EXIT sign at the top of the frame, so you are not too far off. However, as I’ve got to put together a new future, weaving skills might come in handy too (piece work?).
xoL (and thanks for dinner and the pink (?) martini)
Sending prayers for courage, and grace. You are a strong, capable woman. You’ve survived lung cancer, you’ll get through this. Hugs.
I will, won’t I. No other option on that one 🙂
Hugs for you Linnea, my most strong hearted friend!
Anja, thank you my source of good strong hugs!!!
Thinking of you Linnea – so many thoughts. You are and always will be one of the great inspirers of my life. As for separation – you are doing this because your spirit must live. And it does, and will! Xx liz
Thank you Liz. It’s time to try another way of living, that’s for certain.
And on, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And on, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly
And on, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And im loving every second minute hour bigger better stronger power
Whatever doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger
So imma get stronger
Linnea I can see you flyin and getting stronger
Thanks Amy. I am a little power hungry now (as in, enough energy to get through what needs to be gotten through!). Positive visualization doesn’t hurt. Cue the soundtrack!
I’m sure your choices have been well-considered, so I wish you strength in fulfilling them.
P.S. — One pragmatic suggestion, though, is that stairs can be the enemy of the lung-impaired. (The townhouse I’m relocating to has stairs inside, but I’ll add a $chairlift on the stairs when I need help.)
Thanks Craig, and know that I appreciate your friendship/advice/unofficial status as my lab partner 🙂
Dear Linnea it is with heavy heart that I read your post. However I am sure this is not a decision taken lightly or without a great deal of thought. Wishing you strength and clarity.
“Not all those who wander are lost” JRR Tolkien
Thank you Beryl. When I was a girl my family was traveling in Canada and picked up a hitchhiker who said he was JRR Tolkien’s grandson. May or may not have been true but I was entranced by the possibility. And we helped him get a little closer to wherever it was that he was going.
Dear Linnea, your decision is not easy to make. You will survive this because you are strong and smart. Take good care of yourself.
Joannalee, thank you (and I hope your first day of a different treatment went okay….I will be in touch this weekend).
I have been through 2 divorces and I found crying to be a great relief for stresses I faced. Good luck!
Definitely find a new home with few or no stairs so you can step out for fresh air when the walls close in.
Mary, I will feel relieved when I know I’ve found that home…and yes, I will be stepping out for fresh air now and again!
Linnea, it makes me sad that you have yet another stress on your mind and body. But now you can use those strong arms for swim strokes, not bailing out a sinking ship. Once these decisions are made, you can focus on the road to wellness. Even our children do not know the heart of our marriage, that is between only two people. Do what you must, they will survive. They have your love and always will. Be gentle with yourself. Stand Strong. Hedy
Hedy, I love your observation–“Even our children do not know the heart of our marriage.” It is so true, and yet not always obvious. At this time it is important that I keep in mind that my relationship with my husband also doesn’t reflect everyone else’s relationship with him—and, in particular, that of my children. It is difficult sometimes to do what is best for ourselves without causing harm (perceived or actual) to others. I have waited a long time to make this move and much consideration has gone into it. I look forward to a time of rest and healing.
So many lovely sentiments have been offered here to you and I heartily agree in your strength, clarity, and courage to do what you know you need to do, despite the challenges. You are always an inspiration and role model for me. I also love the way your dreams are supporting you and you see the signs of the universe. Reach out to us if we can help. I know we all are there for you, too.
Thank you, on so many counts. And yes, the comments are often the heart of this blog—I can hardly imagine what it would be like to communicate in a different forum where there wasn’t actual feedback…
Linnea dear, So much is going through my mind. I know this has been a difficult but very well-considered decision. Keep searching for those signs – you definitely have found your strength with all love,
Cristina, well considered although still not fully understood (got the why, just not the how!). Alternate inspiration:
A little Bob Marley is always a good reason to pause and feel good. Nice photo of Pete in your recent post:)
Wishing you the fullest most joyous second minutes hours. LIVE IT your way.
Thank you Jo.
And the beat goes on! Thinking of you and wishing Strength, Wisdom and Courage. Seize the day!
Kathleen, I could use all of those qualities that you are sending and yes, I shall seize this and every day!
LInnea, I admire your courage, even in the most difficult of circumstances. “Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune–without the words,
And never stops at all,” ~ Emily Dickinson
love you, Lorraine
Lorraine, I love that poem and you as well my friend.
Linnea, We met at the Xalkori kickoff in Boston and we enjoyed meeting both you and David. Sorry that you both are having to go thru this, but our best wishes are with you both.
Glenn & Cathi Mitchell
Linnea, Sorry & saddened to hear of this new & difficult challenge in your life. Wishing you strength to do all that you have to do.